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Stranger Than Fiction

Fifty Shades of Grey - E.L. James 50 Shades of Grey

Oh my, what a scandal this book has caused. Oh, shit, who didn't see that coming. Oh, fuck, it's just Twilight fan fiction, who gives a whoopie.

50 Shades of Grey? More like 50 Shades of Wrong.

I'll start off by saying BDSM isn't really my cup of tea, but the idea it's... well, it would take a lot of trust for one person to allow another person to do that to them. So if both parties are willing participants, who am I to judge? Only in 50 Shades, it's not.... not entirely.

Before I continue on that note, I'll mention, as most of us already know, that 50 Shades takes it's roots in Twilight Fan Fiction. It clearly reads like one too.

Ana Steele sounds exactly like our virginal, low confident, scared, heroine Bella Swan. Christian Grey is uncannily like Edward, sans vampirism, but what he lacks in pointed canines he gains in whips and chains. You know what? 50 Shades reads exactly like Twilight if the whole vampirism was taken out. You're left with an abusive asshole and the spineless woman whom he just can't seem to stay away from.

I'll even let you in on a little secret, the idea intrigues me. This could have been an interesting spin on Twilight, something that could have brought forth just one of the many things wrong with the 'saga'. I wanted to like this book, REGARDLESS of it's fan fiction roots. Instead, we get a rehash of Twilight, with a hint of BDSM.

Ana: Like Bella, she's hyper aware of ALL the problems with (Edward) Christian. It's kind of annoying when Christian says, 'Yeah, I want to take this whip to you, while you're tied down because it turns me on.' and Ana feels scared. In fact, there are multiple times when Ana says she's scared of him. Times when she begs him not to hurt her. Times when she gets crazy jealous of him. I can totally understand it might be hard for her to walk away from a person that she's so attached too, who provides her with everything she ever wanted (much to her protests) and promises to try to change for her (Because having Vanilla sex is totally a step forward.) But, BUT, just like Bella Swan, Ana Steele falls so deeply in love with him and only after a week. Infatuation? A crush? Lust? Yes. A strong, loving, committed relationship? Yeah, given more time, but with how she acts, it seems as if she's planning the marriage.

Have you ever read a book where a certain word or phrase just grates on you're nerves because they use it so much? Like in 'Nightshade' By Andrea Cremer, fangs flashed and blood boiled far too often. I can understand catch phrases, but Ana uses three far too often for them to be anything other than annoying.

'Oh My', when she's greatly pleased with something,

'Oh Shit', when Christian surprises her with something big, and

'Oh Fuck' during the deed or when Christian surprises her with something bigger.

Oh, and instead of a large family for Ana to befriend, she seems to take friends from within. Her Inner Goddess who craves sex and is jumping up and down when our hero brandishes his dominance, and performs acrobatics when he mentions sex. Then there's her Sub-Conscious who stares back at her in the mirror with shame when the act is done. Yeah, I don't think I'll touch that one.

Christian: I don't have a problem with him being a dominant in bed. His chains and whips and rope aren't a problem either. It's when he ties it down with his jealous tendencies, his threatening tones and borderline abusive ways. BDSM takes trust between two people, not one person with a dangerous amount of power, with the other scared shitless. Christian is Edward Cullen to a 'T', there's nothing about him that says otherwise. How he dealt with with Ana's little 'situation' in the beginning of the novel was down right repulsive. Virginity isn't a 'problem' or a 'situation' you need to 'take care' of before moving onto bigger things. Ana's reaction to it was also repulsive, wondering if he was mad at her for being a virgin.How old are these characters? I think E.L. Smith placed them at being over 20, yet they act like their Twilight counterparts, far too much, far too often. He's never had 'Vanilla Sex' and offers to 'Make love to her this once'. Needless to say, the experience seems to have this 'healing' effect on him and he seems to step out of his boundaries more with Ana after 'Vanilla'. And that's cool. People do heal. But in 50 Shades, I doubt his ability to go from Dominate abuser to equal love maker. Now, people can have all sorts of effects on those around them, but this is just so poorly handled here.

Conclusion: I could go on and on about all the things wrong with 50 Shades, but it feels like more trouble then it's worth, particularly when I couldn't be bothered to write a proper review for Twilight. The grammar is horrible, the spelling is atrocious and I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm taking a leap as to say that the sequels are 50 shades worse.